Lukwago and Seya

I couldn't resist sharing this hilarious piece doing rounds online

The new Lord Mayor is sipping a cup of tea. His phone rings. He asks his twin daughter to pass it to him.

Phone: Riing riing
Lukwago: (picking it) Hello!
Seya: Yee Ssebo

Lukwago: Hello..Hello...I'm not getting you clearly.
Seya: Network is shaking heavily.
Lukwago: I can't hear you, sir.

Seya: Extend further if you are not hearing.
Lukwago: I can now hear you.
Seya: Congratulations.

Lukwago: Thank you. May I please know who I'm talking to?
Seya: The mayor.
Lukwago: Shya! Which mayor?

Seya: Of Kampala .
Lukwago: Unless you are a nightmare.
Seya: No, even during the day. This is Seya.

Lukwago: Sorry, I thought it was an imposter.
Seya: No, no, no, I never had posters this time.
Lukwago: I mean imposter. Someone who disguises himself as somebody else.

Seya: I don't know that one. I never saw his disgusting poster.
Lukwago: Anyway, so what's cooking?

Seya: Eh, Lukwago! You have a big nose. It's Biringanya. My wife is in the kitchen roasting it.
Lukwago: Haha... So, why did you call me?
Seya: I calling to tell you know that city council not easy.

Lukwago: What do you mean?
Seya: You have to be careless with the people.
Lukwago: I don't understand.

Seya: You have to care less about their deals. They are terrific.
Lukwago: I'm confused. What makes them terrific?

Seya: They terrify you with threatenings of death if you don't similar with their plans.
Lukwago: Don't worry; I will handle them my way.

Seya: You can't find them on your way. They stay in posho areas like Kololo, Naguru, etc.
Lukwago: Leave them to me. Sorry, I didn't come to visit you at Nakasero hospital when you were feared dead.

Seya: Yah, that was a serious terrible. They announced along the radio that I had died.
Lukwago: What exactly happened?

Seya: The degree of sugar had risen in the blood. The doctor admitted me and put me on bottles of water.
Lukwago: That was sad.

Seya: No, no. It was pressure. The doctor treated me and after two days, I was dispatched.
Lukwago: That's good to hear.

Seya: Anyway, I called to congratulation you for being elected and wish you good in your term of office.
Lukwago: Thank you. So, how do you desire to retire?

Seya: Stop discussing history. I left Desire a long time ago.

Just then, I heard a knock on the door. I jumped out of bed only to find the landlord with an eviction notice.

What a dream that was!

Because of recent abductions

In daylight hours, refresh yourself
 of these things to do 
in an emergency situation...
This is for you,
 and for you to share
 with your wife, 
your children, 
everyone you know.
 After reading these 9 crucial tips, 
forward them to someone you care 
about.
 It never hurts to be careful 
in this crazy world we live in. 


1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do :
The elbow is the strongest point
 on your body.
 If you are close enough to use it, do! 


2. Learned this from a tourist 
guide.
 If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse,
 DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM.
 Toss it away from you....
Chances are that he is more interested
 in your wallet and/or purse than you,
 and he will go for the wallet/purse.
 RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!


3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car,
 kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole
 and start waving like crazy.
 The driver won't see you, but everybody else will.
 This has saved lives.


4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars
 after shopping, eating, working, 
etc., and just sit (doing their cheque book, or making 
a list, etc.
 DON'T DO THIS!)
 The predator will be watching you, and this
 is the perfect opportunity for him to get in 
on the passenger side, put a gun to your head,
 and tell you where to go.
 AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR ,
 LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.. 

If someone
 is in the car
 with a gun to your head
 DO NOT DRIVE OFF, 
Repeat: 
DO NOT DRIVE OFF! 
Instead gun the engine
 and speed into anything, wrecking the car.
 Your Air Bag will save you.
 If the person is in the back seat
 they will get the worst of it .
 As soon as the car crashes 
bail out and run.
 It is better than having them find your body 
in a remote location.


5. A few notes about getting
 into your car in a parking lot,
 or parking garage:


A.) Be aware: 
look around you, 
look into your car,
 at the passenger side floor ,
and in the back seat


B.) If you are parked next 
to a big van,
 enter your car from the passenger door.
 Most serial killers attack their victims 
by pulling them into their vans while the women
 are attempting to get into their cars.


C.) Look at the car 
parked on the driver's side of your vehicle,
 and the passenger side... If a male is sitting alone 
in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back 
into the mall, or work, and get a
 guard/policeman to walk you back out. 
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. 
(And better paranoid than dead.)


6. ALWAYS take the elevator 
instead of the stairs.
 Stairwells are horrible places to be alone 
and the perfect crime spot.
 This is especially true at NIGHT!)


7. If the predator has a gun
 and you are not under his control,
 ALWAYS RUN!
 The predator will only hit you (a running target)
 4 in 100 times; and even then,
 it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ.
 RUN, Preferably in a zig -zag pattern!


8. As women, we are always trying
 to be sympathetic: 
STOP
 It may get you raped, or killed.
 Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking,
 well educated man, who ALWAYS played
 on the sympathies of unsuspecting women.
 He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often 
asked 'for help' into his vehicle or with his vehicle, 
which is when he abducted
 his next victim.


9. Another Safety Point:
 Someone just told me that her friend heard
 a crying baby on her porch the night before last,
 and she called the police because it was late
 and she thought it was weird.. The police told her
 'Whatever you do, DO NOT 
open the door. '
The lady then said that it sounded like the baby
 had crawled near a window, and she was worried
 that it would crawl to the street and get run over.
 The policeman said, 'We already have a unit on the way,
 whatever you do, DO NOT open the door. '
He told her that they think a serial killer 
has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax
 women out of their homes thinking that someone 
dropped off a baby. He said they have not 
verified it,
 but have had several calls by women saying that
 they hear baby's cries outside their doors 
when they're home alone at night.


10. Water scam!
 If you wake up in the middle
 of the night to hear all your taps outside running or what you think is a
 burst pipe, DO NOT GO OUT TO INVESTIGATE! These people turn on all your 
outside taps full ball so that you will go out to investigate and 
then attack.

 Stay alert, keep safe, and look out for your neighbours!
 Please pass this on


The Lotus Touts

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

NINE... Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.

ELEVEN. Don’t judge people by their relatives.

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.

EIGHTEEN. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice

TWENTY- ONE. Spend some time alone.