Vintage Otafiire: The quotations that made the man

Below is a collection of comments published in press that have been attributed to

MAJ. GEN. KAHINDA OTAFIIRE

On suggestions that he should be arrested for war crimes in DR Congo

I have nothing to worry about. Did you hear of me eating pygmies in DRC? I am a free man and can travel anywhere unless the world is ruled by jungle law.

On what his stage name would be if he were a musician

I can never be a musician at any point or even think about that nonsense. It is below my dignity, my friend. It is a disgrace for me to begin contributing to such topics because it is total rubbish. By the way, do you know who you are talking to? I cannot change my name to such nonsense because I have better things to do other than that rubbish.

On what he remembers about his mother on Mother’s Day

Eeeeh! Mother’s what? What is Mother’s Day? Please, I have told you, if you do not have anything good to do, don’t do it with me, okay? I said do not waste my time (hangs up).

On tax wrangles in Nakawa Division

I heard Bamwine telling people to shun the local government tax. He said it was Otafiire tax. Ye yiko mujinga na mutumbavu kabisa. How can that ignorant man tell people to resist a law that was passed by the Cabinet and Parliament? Who does he think he is? He must watch out.

On the Bible in Parliament

I know where to find Bibles. I can get them in shops but not in Parliament. I have even failed to read all the Bibles I have at home.

On whether he should force UTODA to discipline taxi drivers

I am a minister of local government. I am not a minister of vehicles.

On Kampala LC3 Chairman, Godfrey Nyakana

What is personal between me and Nyakana? If there was, I would have sent the police after him. Appointing a probe means I want him to have a fair hearing. I do not run this ministry like my personal kibanja (land).

On Nyakana’s building in the wetland

You very well know that the only animals that have got the license to live in wetlands are frogs, fish and crocodiles. Nyakana is neither a fish nor a crocodile. What was he doing there to complain that Otafiire has demolished his building? What was his house doing in the wetland? Is Nyakana a frog?

On media reports that he snubbed NRM retreat to Kyankwanzi

What the Red Pepper has been writing is utter rubbish! Typical pit latrine stuff that should be treated with the contempt it deserves.

“Your name is being dragged into Kampala ’s problems...”

Surely, if my name was not dragged in, it would mean that I was idle. I am the man in charge of local government. But the fact that my name is dragged into it does not mean that the allegations are correct. It is those wrongdoers who don’t want me to interfere who accuse me.

On bush war heroes who have fallen out with the NRM

The motives of mankind are less transparent than the emotions they produce.

On standing surety for Muhwezi

Yes, he is my friend. Even if he had committed murder and was condemned to death, I would still take him his last meal. That does not mean I share his innocence or guilt.

On Obugabe for Banyankole

Those who say that “there is no bugabe, we are going to die”, you die. There is a big lake here, you go jump into it. Mugabe’s grandfather ruled my grandfather by force, not by consent. This is an age of democracy; you want to be king, let’s hold an election, you beat me, you become king, I beat you, then I take over. I am also going to crown myself Ishabaruhinda because Ruhinda is my constituency.

On Baganda clamouring for federo

You have been here without federo, aren’t you alive? If you want to die, die. Why don’t you die for something worthwhile?

Rapping federo and district agitators

We are here wailing for federo and more districts, when Europeans are merging to form bigger blocs. Africans are obsessed with small chiefdoms, small ideas and small women. The other day, someone was threatening to eat skeletons if he was not given a district.

On reports that he owned a plot in a wetland

Am I a frog or do I look like a crocodile to live in a wetland? I have no plot in a wetland as claimed. In 1991 when I was still in the army in Bombo, the late Serugendo, the then Kampala Town Clerk, identified a plot for me in Bugolobi but I was not aware it was in the wetland. In any case, I never followed it up. If it is still there, then whoever is interested in it should take it.

Reactions from Tickling!

Tickling revealed tribe by tribe!!! Tickling is the act of touching someone’s sensitive body part with an intention to amuse, entertain, or make you laugh. You can tell someone’s tribe from the way they respond when they are tickled. A Muganda will scream mama nze, which loosely translated means “oh my mother!” They are always quick to call their mother when it comes to anything sensitive or emotional. Even in times of bereavement, they will always say mama nze! Even if it’s their father who has died! Iteso are soft spoken people and when you tickle one of them, she will softly say oyiisiki eong, which means “leave me alone”. The problem is that they say it in a more inviting way than resistance! That’s why you’ll always see malwa drinkers tickling the ladies whenever they are pouring water, akiipi, in the malwa pot. A Musoga will jump and shout muna, which means “you!” at the slightest tickle. It’s very hard to tickle most Basoga women because of their dress code. They are always ingomesi! If you go to Busoga, you’ll see women digging in gomesi, riding bicycles ingomesi, waitresses in gomesi. I have a feeling they sleep in gomesi as a night dress! Batoro (may God bless them!) are so sweet. Even when they are angry, they will express themselves in a way that is more comforting. Even when you tickle her, in her angry mood she will say kyaali, which is equivalent to bambi or dear! Karimojong are the hardest people to tickle if you aren’t one of them. It’s hard to know their sensitive body part since their body is always exposed to nature. Their sensory nerves have a good relationship with the heat that nothing can incite their emotions. No wonder an honourable Mutoro man declined a position to minister the Karimojong because he couldn’t handle the naked truth. Bakiga have been stereotyped as aggressive people who will not accept any nonsense. I don’t know about you but I find them to be honest and expressive. That, maybe, explains why they don’t have a king. They tend to be lethal when they start swearing. She’s likely to jeer and say, nda kwasha, meaning “I’ll crash you!”’ With such stigma around them, you have to be very careful when planning to tickle one. She’s likely to unleash verbal artillery. You might earn yourself a healthy slap if you are lucky. Banyarwanda, like Batoro, are also polite in their response to a tickle. She’ll giggle and smoothly say, wiru we which means, “also you!” Their counterparts, the Banyankole, are quick to shout wankirigiita, which means “you have tickled me!” You can’t tell whether it’s a compliment or a threat. In most cases, especially when grazing cattle, the men’s greeting always goes beyond the elbow and ends up in a tickling wrestle. Before you know it, they have indulged in activities that are responsible for the existence of a bastard.. The Gisu are vivacious people. At a mere tickle, she will shout mulembe, which means “hallo!” and then jump on her feet and dance kadodi. Gisu men always tickle the ladies during the kadodi - circumcision procession - so that they can sing and dance like never before. It’s there that the guy initiated into manhood starts identifying a potential wife. To tickle a Luo lady if you are not one of them you need a ladder. Last but not least, you have to wear a helmet if you are to tickle a Lugbara. At the slightest touch, she’s likely to strike your head and shout draru! I don’t know what draru means, but I figure out it’s an acronym for Dangerous Relationships Are Rarely Understood. PLEASE NOTE THAT THIS IS AN ARTICLE FROM THE OBSERVER 10TH 12 2009

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT YOU!!

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you!!

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 
'Reading a book,' she replies, ( thinking , 'Isn't that obvious ? ') 





'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her. 
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
 





'For reading a book,' she replies , 
 




'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 
 



'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 
 'Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.' 
 





'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault ,' says the woman. 
 



 



'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 
 



 



'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.' 
 


'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left. 

 





MORAL:

Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.